Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
