well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
