That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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