what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
