watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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