Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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