she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's shark week go big or go home
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
