I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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