my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
