He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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