so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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