I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
