I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
