I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
