My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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