I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Oh god it's open bar.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
