her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
