I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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