Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
