Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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