is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
