Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
