Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
