Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize