Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Drunk walkin through police station. America
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
