why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
