My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
