shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
