Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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