have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
