All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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