So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is Oprah even human
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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