Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
