i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
