i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
