I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
