yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
