Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
