I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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