i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
