Your face is a jimmy john
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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