Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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