I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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