You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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