I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
