Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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