Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize