Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
