Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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