I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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