What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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