By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
