oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
