I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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