areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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