Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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