i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
