shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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